This, that, and more

You know how things have a way of sorting themselves out? I have always known this, and I still worry out of my skull over nearly everything. I worry till that moment when suddenly the pieces of the puzzle fall in place, things sort themselves out, and so do people.

Here's to a good Monday. And a brilliant week ahead! Left a really good weekend behind, and I am sorted again. With a trip to Kerala, and a drive to Coorg to plan for, 2 big days in June, just enough work in office, and hopefully the parents' trip to town around the corner, I have my hands full.

Oh and how can I forget. Mum as usual was on about how it is "high time I had a baby" over the last weekend. She got me thinking about it (again) and I dozed off somewhere in between the whirlwind of planning, calculating, day dreaming, and wondering if it really was time. I got up with a start after a scary dream - that I had a baby and no maternity leave and everything was in a mess. Clients called endlessly, baby cried non stop, and husband had a long day at work. I cried (in the dream), woke up sweating, and I know I am not ready for motherhood. Far from it. If there ever was a sign, this was it. Motherly instincts will be shelved again, for the next couple of years. The whole thing is more scary than I thought. 

Coming back to reality and the right here right now, I may not blog so often. I don't think I blog if I am not feeling any extreme emotion - fury, sadness, ecstasy, humour (!) - and I pretty much always feel at least one of the 4. I have to admit that blogging is losing some of its fun for me, long overdue too after almost a decade. I can't promise not having endless nonsense originate from my end of the WWW, but who knows. For now, I will leave you with a song. This might just be the first time I have really liked this song, the first time I managed to "get" it. Who says a stable relationship takes the romance out of music (I did -  a couple of weeks back). There is a song for every day. Too much mush? Ah well :)

Alive and sorted

That's what I am after a lunch bitching session with my girls in Bangalore, some unadulterated time with The Man, and a LOT of GNR.

Not dead at all, ladies and gentlemen! Expect a lot of updates from me, a lot has been happening around me while I was suffering existential angst the last few days. And all of it is good.

Yay! :-)

The clichéd year end post

It's been a good year for, bad days
Or a bad year for, good days
Well here we go again now, here we go again now 

2010. What a year this was! Calling it a roller coaster would be an understatement. The good thing is, if I had to live it one more time, there is nothing I would do or want any different. What I have learned in 2010 - That I CANNOT and should not generalize. That people are generally not perfect. That there are the losers, there are the winners. And somewhere in between, battling with auto fares, onion prices, boring evenings, disgusting relatives, overworked afternoons, and occasionally, the husband, is me. That if I can walk out of dicey situations, work or otherwise, unscathed, my dignity in tact, temper in control, and having learned either how to be or not to be, I will be a happier person. And I have and I am. And I am still learning to get better at this. That no matter how much I love or hate, enjoy or despise my work, the home with orange walls and the man with bad jokes are all that will ever matter. That I choose to obsess over situations not under my control and I don't exactly want to change that about myself, except maybe toning down the obsession a bit. What would really help though is to cut off when I am done obsessing for the day, weekday or weekend if you know what I mean, and then start afresh.

But 2010 was not all bad. Or tough. How can it be because like I just said, all that really matters is the man, the house, the forever rockstar family, and the few good people who come by and make all the difference? When there are those friends with whom a 5 line IM conversation, a 45 minute non stop blabber, or a 15 sms  long exchange makes all the difference. When there has been more laughter and more easy, comfortable love than I could even ask for. When all the hits and misses of the last year, the last 25 years in fact, brought me here. And trust me, it is a good, happy place to be in, in every way I can think of. So yes, it's been a good year :-) (And this is the point where I rush to touch the nearest piece of wood or wooden furniture I can find. Yes, that good!)

On that note, I will happily spend the next 7 days before my much deserved, much awaited, and almost life changing weekend away. Some sun and sand and beer will do me us, a lot of good. And 2011 is going to be more disciplined, more relaxed, and happier. I will make sure of that. Because all that really matters is that unadulterated happiness that comes from within. The house with orange walls.

Like someone's new year wish from this morning, may the new year be full of many good stories. See you on the other side of the decade.

The Anthem

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
And cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war,
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

This song is all I know about serendipity. And I can't tire of saying it. Who would have known, when on a sultry Sunday afternoon I realized that "I want to break free" was no longer working, when I was tired of a job I had outgrown, a boss whose face I no longer wanted to see, and a home I never wanted to come back to, that this caller tune was a signal to the universe. Calling out to someone. The other lost soul in the fish bowl. Who would have known.

Life. It bloody amazes me.

Unprecedented

I have nothing to say, no judgements, no errors in judgement to speak of. No half baked opinions, pathbreaking ideas, no self derogatory (or just derogatory) jokes, no critical illnesses, no mental health issues. No sarcasm, no rants. No boredom. No brimming excitement-over-nothing. No love song in my head, no arguments brewing.

Just a peaceful easy feeling.

Take it from me, I have never felt like this before!

The one where the analogy is strange. But true.

Moving around furniture and buying some, each time getting a little closer to the way I want the house to eventually look but never quite getting there, makes me the happiest. The nicest and probably the worst thing about this happiness is that the bar is reasonably high now, and the thought of settling for anything that doesn't balance the practical and the impractical, the perfect and the imperfect so well, scares me. And the idea of living in one of those mass produced apartments in the gated communities of Yelahanka/ Hosur/ Whitefield, is like dying a slow death caused by big EMIs for something I don't even want. That is a story for another day.

For all the tell tale signs of ageing, like waking up with a headache (that is not a hangover) after an almost all-nighter, there is still one thing that I have held on to. I still don't want to "settle down". What fun would it be to get the house to look exactly how I want it to already? Or "settling" for a house that is not even close to perfect? What next? Get the analogy?

Is it foolish to really believe that the fun is in the journey? The journey of course is awesome-r (Barney overdose, please excuse) when you have someone to split the fuel bills and share stories with.

Regular readers and trolls, I am not changing jobs (again). This is just a thought that crossed my mind last night.

By the way, it is October FINALLY. The quarter has still not been closed but at least the happiness of this month is closer. Bring on the festivities. And Big Boss :P

सात रंग सतरंगा मेला

The whole world and their third cousin knows that I recently switched streams to communication. Which causes me to finally give up my long break from that thing called the newspaper. Most of the news I caught was on TV, word of mouth, social networking, and online news. I was about to write an ode to the comic strip, the only thing that I even picked up the newspaper for. Notice the past tense? Now there is no escape from the figurative rants of a million trees crying over newspapers that don't deserve circulation even in double digits, and the sheer mediocrity of journalism in India. They are not all bad, I must say that. But a lot of them are. I love Mint though. I guess I have always been an opinion person, not a fact person (which defines everything I am going to say in this post, don't kill me for it.)

I fail to understand how those that get their bread and butter from the art and science of communication, and I am not talking only about journalists here, make the lamest, most cliched grammatical mistakes ever. It is like building Taj Mahal on a very unstable foundation. And don't give me that cliched "you were just privileged to go to that school you went to, we were not all so lucky" (believe it or not, I have heard that), 1, because it sounds stupid, and 2, I am talking about people who were "more privileged" than me. They went to the brat schools, scream at the top of their lungs about their engagement rings being the size of their *PG adviced* asses, and only seem to write incorrect English. And Hindi. And nearly every other language they claim to know.

Which also brings me to the fact that I cannot escape the sham called the Commonwealth Games and the *political incorrectness alert* futility of the Ayodhya issue. Every time I read an article, see some "breaking news" comprising of a picture of a rat in the CWG village, or as much as see a Tweet, I feel like I am back in the 90's. Political scams marked all of my growing up years, especially because I grew up in Bihar. Don't get me wrong here, I love every little Bihari eccentricity, I love every Indian cliche. But that does not stop me from seeing what is wrong with the places I call my own. Especially this kind of blatant, irrational, ruthless, reckless corruption that shows. I hope the CWG does not happen here. There. I said it. There are people who have worked very hard, spoken really well, and have made an impact to make sure that India becomes synonymous with "emerging economy". I just think that all their hard work does not go to waste because a bunch of paan spitting, crass politicians decided to make a legacy for their progeny out of the budget of an International sporting event, one that could have, and would have, added to the "India story". We are a bunch of good people, we work hard, we love life, and we are not all dishonest. I read this somewhere, and I am quoting, "Also, it’s better if the rest of the world didn’t see us, than see us like this." and I couldn't agree more. I don't care about the CWG, I don't even care about the cricket world cup or any other sport for that matter. But I am amused to death at the sheer stupidity and unbelievable greed that has led the rest of the country look like such corrupt fools to the rest of the world. Unfair? I would say so.

Which now brings me to the Ayodhya issue. At the risk of sounding foolishly politically incorrect, I will say this once and for all. I don't care whether they build a temple there or a mosque, or a church, or better still, a shopping complex on the land all this ruckus is about. And I am pretty sure nobody, and I mean nobody except a few rudraksh toting/ not-rudraksh toting politicians. And as a generation, I am guessing our opinion is a tad more important than the said ancient politicians. I understand that religion was and will remain a sensitive issue for a lot of us, but I don't see any reason in this raging madness in the country over this. This may sound anti Hindu, but I am a believer. And yet, I don't know if Lord Ram was really born there or is just the protagonist of a fairy tale that got taken seriously. And the not-rudraksh toting groups already have their Mecca. Let that land be free. Maybe make a shelter for the homeless there, because heaven knows our country has enough and more places of worship, all equally crowded and totally not in keeping with the standard of purity that is associated with the idea of religion. Another thing that is irking me is the fact the judgement getting deferred. If we couldn't take a call in over a decade, what difference is another 5 days going to make? The media is flooded, no releases going through. Half a day got wasted wondering whether or not we should plan any work on Friday. And then suddenly we were wondering about next Tuesday. And that is not my only reason for being supremely irritated about the whole thing. This kind of delay is unavoidable among our people. Starting from the Honda showroom to the powers that be.

Anyway. So my thoughts are all muddled up now. I am ranting about too many things, some trivial, some not so much, in completely garbled, terribly formed sentences. So on to the trivial things. I think I will soon start posting pictures of speaker systems in all my posts, even when I write about the bird in the sky. I guess that is the only way to get some traffic from the husband's laptop. The man seems to be incapable of reading anything except work and speaker reviews on the net. I have been reading Devbagh though. Because good things come in small packages, and our December vacation has been cut short from 10 to 2 days now. But 10 days all over vs 2 days on an island, by the beach. I will have to say the beach wins.

And it is raining.

And it's Friday night. In every sense of the word.

And R finally has an unadulterated 2 day weekend.

And Jimi's Cafe calling.

Life is good :-)

Edited to add: I realised last week that if you say 5000 disconnected words to me, I will give you 5000 linked opinions about all of them. And I really need to unlearn that. When you look out of the auto on your 10 minute commute to work and judge every single person you see, you should know that it is OCD. No questions asked. Although you should know I have a thing for exaggeration.

Is it October yet?

6th - Bombay.

15th - Indian Ocean.

22nd - Octoberfest.

And the Grey beauty sometime sooner.

Wake me up when September ends.

Lounge wear, office wear, casuals, and beach wear (strictly by my standards). All in one day.

Junk food.

A walk along a crowded stretch for Teej shopping, with locals shopping for Gouri puja, a bunch of others for Ganpati, and a lot of Biharis for Teej, and my heart singing Desh mera rangrez at the festive sights and scenes around me.

And high spirits to round off the day.

Like I said, I bring my own sunshine. Ok we bring our own sunshine :P

This. Is. Utopia. Revisited.

A rainy evening in the narrow, secluded lanes of Yercaud. Forests on one side, and endless plantations on another. Unknown turns. No faces. Not a sound except Soldier Of Fortune playing so softly it seemed like someone was crooning in the distance. Not a street lamp on the road. The light from the car leading the way. The mild adrenaline rush at the prospect of getting lost in the wilderness. Not a word spoken between you and me.

And at that moment, I did not want any more from life. Just you. And me. And no words between us.

P.S. The pic has nothing to do with the post, I know. I just like the pic a lot :P

Saturday bliss

I never knew gardening (if you can use that word for planting some greens in the balcony - the joys of an apartment!) is so much fun. Especially if the only hard work you need to do is buying the plants and stepping in when it is time to fool around with the water hose. Like many, many years ago. Both in time and in demeanor. Now bear with this.

 And this.

 And this.

 And this.

Ugly pink chappals? You can blame the sister :D

This and that

It is Friday, but I am as happy as I was yesterday because I haven't ventured out of the house in the last couple of days. I have been home, I have been enjoying the weather. And gallons of chai. Adrak ki chai. Right now I have a sudden urge to ramble, and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I generally don't react to ANY news on TV. Like Vir Sanghvi puts it, such is the predictability of current events that reporters can sit at home and write stories. But this news had me seething. And I am not just angry about the comment the extremely dumb Bethany principal has made on underprivileged children, but what infuriates me even more is that this very shady looking, downright DUMB man is let loose to shape the future of our country. I know that most public schools are elitist, and a lot of them would be thinking just like this man is. But not only is the principal of Bethany extremely elitist and stupidly so, he is also dumb enough to let it out in a circular, of all things. In fact his stupidity as the guru of the next generation disturbs me much, much more than his elitism. My resolve to send my children to a Notre Dame institution just got stronger.

What do you call someone who doesn't exactly know what she wants to do with her life but does know that she needs her work to consume her on weekdays. She wants to love what she does and has run into a dry spell since her relocation. What would you call someone who truly believes that work is just that. Work. And is still looking for something elusive, something that makes her really happy on weekdays and pays enough money for weekends. What would you call someone who suddenly forgot what her real aspiration was because she started enjoying/ getting consumed by her first full time job? What would you say when she tells you that she dug up and dusted an old dream she had nurtured from the age of 12 to 23 and decided to, once and for all, remember it and do something about it? I would call her a rockstar. And I would call it "rockstarness". LOL! But then again, work is work is work. And she has learned it the hard way, twice over, in the last 1 year. So this time around, the dreamer/ planner in her has decided to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Without sky high expectations from what is on its way. I think it just adds to her rockstarness. I will go tell her that now :D

Rahul Mahajan is back to being the abusive husband. What can I say? A woman decided to marry someone with a reputation like Rahul's, without taking him to a psychiatrist before taking the plunge. Can she complain now? Sure. Because even that is going to get her media coverage. Should she? I cannot say anything without getting brickbats from the feminists around. But I think Dimpy Mahajan (?) is reaping what she sowed. On a more shallow note, how can you marry someone who laughs like that? I'd rather go live with hyenas.

Every city, in my head, has a character of its own. They are people. Just better ;) A couple of days back I was in the auto, the rain on half of my face and hair, and Hanging by the moment in my ears. That is when I realised that I treat, love, and hate cities like they were people. I feel protective about Pune. I think it is innocent. Most of the "un-innocent" things I know/ have done/ still do in life, I learned during my Pune years. It was more about loss of innocence, about taking off those rose tinted glasses that made me look at a mirror and see a rockstar, and yet I feel protective about Pune like I would about a lost, confused college student. That is exactly how I felt when the German Bakery incident was all over the news. Pune ne kisi ka kya bigaada hai? Bombay has a world of positive energy. On a lot of days, just plain energy. Bangalore is lazy, laid back. On most days in a rather nice way. On some days in a seething way. It is lush. It is conniving. It is hypocritical. It is beautiful. And for now, it is mine. Patna. How can I not mention it? I love Patna like one loves their parents. With all my heart. But as long as I have the choice, I would rather live away and meet (as opposed to 'visit') very often. It keeps my relationship with Patna very healthy and unapologetic. I think I am a very weird person.

I have been consumed by Hanging by the Moment the last couple of days. I have also recently realised that I really like the word "consumed". It appeals to the melodramatic side of me. I think the next change on the player now will be Baadalon se kaat kaat ke. Just for this phrase. Baadalaon se kaat kaat ke. Something here sounds a lot like the realisation of a dream. In my case, many. Too much to do, very little time.

On that note, I am off to go laze around with another mug of chai. Don't blame me. There isn't much time, true. But I don't have to finish everything today, right? One thing at a time. I think I am finally beginning to realise how true "easy come, easy go" is. I think I also know now that "haste makes waste". I think I can almost see the halo of wisdom around my head. Let me go fix it.

More later! :)

Strange days..

Yesterday was a strange day. I was stressed out for no "real" reason. And definitely no "real" fault of mine. But I realised that there is nothing that a walk and dahi puri and roadside dosa and roadside omelette and that amazing breeze and long and winding conversation about the need to learn, unlearn, and re-learn, can't resolve.

Even better that Ma is coming to town. Oh and my baby sister too! Yipppeee! I am giddy with excitement over this and consequently my long overdue plan to go to Wonderla. What? My sis is a kid :P

So ladies and gentlemen, the sky can come falling FOR ALL I CARE.

Tra la la!

Image courtesy:  http://yousifmind.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/i_dont_care1.jpg

Notes to myself - 1

To dream of a world where nothing ever went wrong, no crises ever occurred, and things happened so smoothly that at least I didn't have to bother about damage control. Is. Stupid.

To get depressed on realising every time that that ideal world does not exist. Is. Fatal.

When will I learn?

Solution jo mila toh question kya tha pata nahii

... And I am back! :) And as the title suggests, let's forget May ever happened.

And I am back to being "jumpy in a nice sort of way" from "jumpy in a horrible sort of way"! Had a not so great few weeks, and then it took time for its effects to wear out. And in a strange sort of way, I am quite glad the way things have turned out.

My head has been full of thoughts. All that I am going to write in this post would been written on separate days and in separate posts if I were around the last few weeks. But fortunately I was learning to keep my thoughts to myself. At least until it's OK to spill them out. Ladies and gentlemen, that indeed is a big thing for me to learn, if you knew me and my verbal diarrohea!

... After very long phases of desperate fighting and proving and longing, I had just about managed to reach a point in life where I had no complains. But along with it had come a lot of cockiness. My edges have been smoothed out in the last few days, and for that I am thankful. I might just be a little more patient from now on. And a lot less cocky. But that doesn't mean I am going to stop ranting about morons. I will just be more patient with them. But if someone gets on my wrong side, I will still wish hell upon them. But I will just have to be patient before I jump to the breaking point right away. For me it is a very difficult balance to maintain. I have a lot to learn.

... The worst kind of anxiety is when your troubles show signs of ending, but they neither exist nor end. That's the kind of anxiety that makes me want to kill. Myself. Or the first person I find on the road.

... I admire people who have the kind of faith in themselves that they can let go of clinging on to someone so "intangible" - God. For me faith is that last and final thing that brings me hope just when I am on the verge of losing it completely. R is an atheist and it has never bothered me. Still doesn't. I have never been religious. But faith and deriving strength from it is a different matter - I am glad I have it!

... There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, that a long conversation with Ma about absolutely irrelevant things can't sort out. Even when I don't really tell her all that's happening. I talk to her about my sister's CAT classes, how to make lauki kofta, bitch about relatives, about dad's obsession with work. And when I hang up, I suddenly begin to think way more clearly about the things that I really wanted to talk about but didn't. The magic of Ma :)

... R. What can I say that I haven't said before? His patience makes me want to fall at his feet even on days I don't completely agree with it. R. My man.

... During my times of struggle - major and minor - I have been told two things - "keep the faith" and "don't forget to see the humour". In the last few weeks of desperate anxiety and uncertainty, I tried my best to do both (see how grown up and all I sound? :P). I can't go into the details here, but all I am saying is that R and I have overcome our first struggle as adults and as a couple. And no, we were not fighting. Not this time ;) And we have come out of all this stronger. Happier. More drunk on life. And I think more in love too.

... June is a month of celebrations for us... R and me. And it couldn't have started on a better note. I know again how it feels to rediscover happiness. It also makes me all fuzzy (I ABHOR that figure of speech but I am not sure how else to put it) that our June long celebrations are going to be well deserved :) It's been a year of madness - the good kind and the avoidable kind.

... I have a major case of the blogger's block, probably a part of the many withdrawal symptoms I suffered while I was away (oh yes, I did. I will do a whole post on it soon, I promise!). I really hope though that it all comes back to me now!

... Right now, there's chilled beer, there's Metallica again, and there's someone to love. Let me say a quick prayer before the night begins :)

I will see you around!

Let 'em know.

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

2 stanzas and the song of life

On my mind..

Mere saamne waali khidki mein..
Ek chaand ka tukda rehta hai.

and

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down

More later!

:) :)

On parents..

I was reading her and something about her latest post left me with a big gaping void in my heart. Yesterday I broke down just thinking of my parents. I was born in the first year of my parents' marriage - they don't know a life without me. Then my sister happened. And the last many many years of our lives together have been a whirlwind of our arguments and generation gap, and understanding. And loving. And the house has always been full of arguments, love, laughter.

And now they are alone - my parents. In a world that's not their comfort zone. In Bombay. Ma doesn't have family and friends like she did in Patna, Dad doesn't sail anymore. And Bombay is where home is for them right now. To think that at 26, I consciously don't want to do things that my Dad is happily doing at 55. Commuting to work by local trains, willing to travel to strange port cities. Mom is alone. She hasn't known a day without dealing with our teenage angst, our love for movies, our tailoring disasters, our love for good food. She has none of that now to keep her busy. I was a difficult child. I don't know how Ma and Dad have survived my failures, my inability to deal with things, my angst, my unfounded rebellion. Why is that when most of my "issues" have been resolved, I am happily living in a city that's far away from them, and I comfort myself thinking that a few phone calls a day suffices when it comes to caring for them. Their love was unconditional. They never asked us to stick around with them and take care of them. In fact they happily gave me away to R for him to deal with me :-) But shouldn't I? Shouldn't I BE with them without caring two hoots about the restrictions that come with living with parents? Shouldn't I at least want to do it?

It's funny. My dad and I have always had different perspectives on things. He and I don't talk like Ma and I do. I know there had been a time when he would have been happier if I did something bigger with my life - like get another degree, get the one I was going to get, on time. Do things in a slightly more meticulous manner. But he is proud of how I eventually turned out - he sees a bit of himself in me. I see a bit of him in me. And when I think of him and the Stud Guru he has always been (He doesn't cry. He CAN'T. He gets angry and smokes an entire packet of cigarettes in the balcony :D), my heart melts. My dad. My mom... My writing is getting incomprehensible now.. I don't what I want to write about them. I just know I miss them so much right now that it hurts.

I am amazed at the kind of tolerance that generation has. How they continue to deal with life as it is and stay happy in the thick of things. How neighbours and relatives are always welcome. How they never hold grudges. Such people are meant to have all that they want from life, including children and laughter and noise all the time. Not just after months of preparing and planning for holidays - our holidays or their visits.

Imagining my parents alone in a city like Bombay hurts me. Here I am. Discontent at Mondays/ not going to Naturals for an ice cream and other such trivial matters. And then there are parents. Who have survived us and more. It is perspective, no doubt. One that makes me a tad bit happier about the place in the world that I have found for myself. But it hurts nevertheless. I keep convincing myself that since their honeymoon was cut short thanks to a stubborn daughter who made her way into the world too soon (me, who else!), maybe this is time for them to make up for the years in between they lost trying to be parents when they should have really been just friends.. Just husband and wife (although that's not the way they look at things, or so says my Mom every time she throws a "Get me a grandchild" tantrum that only I am privy to. LOL!). I mean they did go on a dinner date last night too, only they choose to call it dinner no date :-) But is that my excuse for not being able to do more than sending a bouquet of flowers on Mothers/ Fathers Day and anniversaries and birthdays? There has to be something more I can do.

I miss them. Someone get me my ma and daddy here. RIGHT NOW.

Let's just get this done.

A moment in time

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

What are the odds that you heard this song when you called me for the first time? Are we soul mates? Is this what they call serendipity?

How did such good things happen to ME? *obsessively want to insert a happy smiley here but that will spoil the tone of this post*

Edited to add: I can't help it... ";) :D :) YAYYYYY :P touchwood!!!" I am quite expressive you know... Can't hide my emotions for the life of me!