Friday, May 28, 2010

Solution jo mila toh question kya tha pata nahii

... And I am back! :) And as the title suggests, let's forget May ever happened.

And I am back to being "jumpy in a nice sort of way" from "jumpy in a horrible sort of way"! Had a not so great few weeks, and then it took time for its effects to wear out. And in a strange sort of way, I am quite glad the way things have turned out.

My head has been full of thoughts. All that I am going to write in this post would been written on separate days and in separate posts if I were around the last few weeks. But fortunately I was learning to keep my thoughts to myself. At least until it's OK to spill them out. Ladies and gentlemen, that indeed is a big thing for me to learn, if you knew me and my verbal diarrohea!

... After very long phases of desperate fighting and proving and longing, I had just about managed to reach a point in life where I had no complains. But along with it had come a lot of cockiness. My edges have been smoothed out in the last few days, and for that I am thankful. I might just be a little more patient from now on. And a lot less cocky. But that doesn't mean I am going to stop ranting about morons. I will just be more patient with them. But if someone gets on my wrong side, I will still wish hell upon them. But I will just have to be patient before I jump to the breaking point right away. For me it is a very difficult balance to maintain. I have a lot to learn.

... The worst kind of anxiety is when your troubles show signs of ending, but they neither exist nor end. That's the kind of anxiety that makes me want to kill. Myself. Or the first person I find on the road.

... I admire people who have the kind of faith in themselves that they can let go of clinging on to someone so "intangible" - God. For me faith is that last and final thing that brings me hope just when I am on the verge of losing it completely. R is an atheist and it has never bothered me. Still doesn't. I have never been religious. But faith and deriving strength from it is a different matter - I am glad I have it!

... There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, that a long conversation with Ma about absolutely irrelevant things can't sort out. Even when I don't really tell her all that's happening. I talk to her about my sister's CAT classes, how to make lauki kofta, bitch about relatives, about dad's obsession with work. And when I hang up, I suddenly begin to think way more clearly about the things that I really wanted to talk about but didn't. The magic of Ma :)

... R. What can I say that I haven't said before? His patience makes me want to fall at his feet even on days I don't completely agree with it. R. My man.

... During my times of struggle - major and minor - I have been told two things - "keep the faith" and "don't forget to see the humour". In the last few weeks of desperate anxiety and uncertainty, I tried my best to do both (see how grown up and all I sound? :P). I can't go into the details here, but all I am saying is that R and I have overcome our first struggle as adults and as a couple. And no, we were not fighting. Not this time ;) And we have come out of all this stronger. Happier. More drunk on life. And I think more in love too.

... June is a month of celebrations for us... R and me. And it couldn't have started on a better note. I know again how it feels to rediscover happiness. It also makes me all fuzzy (I ABHOR that figure of speech but I am not sure how else to put it) that our June long celebrations are going to be well deserved :) It's been a year of madness - the good kind and the avoidable kind.

... I have a major case of the blogger's block, probably a part of the many withdrawal symptoms I suffered while I was away (oh yes, I did. I will do a whole post on it soon, I promise!). I really hope though that it all comes back to me now!

... Right now, there's chilled beer, there's Metallica again, and there's someone to love. Let me say a quick prayer before the night begins :)

I will see you around!


piyu said...

Yay, you are back.. so glad :D
Now let me go read the post :P

piyu said...

Nice to know that your struggle made you guys closer and more deeply in love, thats how life is supposed to be :)

About Mom - so true!

Sagarika said...

@Tamanna: *somersaults* - back ;) ... missed ya around... though was earliuer just a lurker ;p ... great to know that u the good jumpy kinds now and have the travelled the greatest distance so nicely.i.e., the distance between two souls in love :D

Tamanna Mishra said...

You girls are making me feel verrryyyy special.. Thank you thank you! :)

@Piyu, Hain na true?

@Sagarika, poetic.. Impressed! Was just reading "Your Laughter" btw :)

austere said...

Prayers of thanks and a big phew....

Prateek Sur said...

gud to see u back..

Anonymous said...

I loved the title of the post. And you write so well. An awesome read.

Tamanna Mishra said...

Austy, absolutely! :)

Prateek, thanks kid! :)

Ajay, wow! That's just the kind of compliment that makes my day :)

DI said...

Finally! So much bhaav you khaaoed before finally getting back! :D
But anyway, good to see you back, and good to see you 'jumpy' the nice way?
Enjoy the celebrations, you owe it to yourself! :D