My circle of contentment

I have been waiting to write this all day. I have been waiting to write about just how horrible it is to see off Ma and the blue eyed baby of the family. About no matter how old she is, she will be the blue eyed baby to me. To all of us. And how proud we are of her. How much my relationship with Ma has changed over  the years. From the strained guardianship of adolescence to getting to know each other to this girl bond we have now, when there is probably nothing under the sun that we cannot talk about. How warm the easy friendship between R and the rest of my family really is and how it makes me feel. How awesome it would have been to have Dad around on this trip. How I much I am missing Ma's constant nitpicking, the blue eyed baby and my constant bickering, the girl talk, the laughter, the endless sessions of par ninda par charcha. I want to write about how I want my circle of contentment around me all the time. Ma and her neverending gyaan and the hourly bear hugs, dad and R and their goofy grins. And my sister's soundless laughter!

But suddenly all I am left with is pin drop silence that will last the entire evening before R gets back from work. And I am left with words getting stuck in the keypad, like words that seem stuck in my throat.

I hate goodbyes.

I will just leave you with a song while I try to get rid of this feeling of intense sadness. The only song that can probably explain just why I love my family to pieces. With them around, nothing can go wrong. Nothing can bother me, Absolutely nothing.



P.S. Awesome things have been happening at work. That is my deliverance today. I will go read the proof of my awesomeness all over again. That should do the trick. Or maybe not. Argh. I hate goodbyes.

Girl talk

Ma and babyyyy sister (who is not so much of a baby anymore, mind you) are here. My favourite women. This is girl talk as I have always known it. I am putting my feet up. This is the first installment of my 2011 summer holiday.

Ah bliss!

My in laws have been here for over a week now, and so have a lot of restrictions. What I wear, how I talk, and not to mention, a sudden and complete break from all the terrible habits R and I seem to patronize in the family we call only our own. I am no saint, it can and does get claustrophobic sometimes. But for the last couple of hours, I have been talking to my parents in law about their days as young parents. And for all the love shared between them, all the shared history, and their resolve to make their son one of the most amazing men I (or you) would ever meet, and for all the efforts they put in to making him the kind of man I am proud to call my husband, I owe them much, much more than a couple of weeks of what our generation selfishly calls "inconvenience". I love them for their son. Always have, always will. Here's to my in laws, two of the most resilient and amazing parents in the history of parenthood. One day I will make it up to them. And then some.

What makes a Saturday morning so special

... An early start. Knowing that there are a full 48 hours before the motions set in again.

... The smell of adrak chai, Mint Lounge, and phenyl in the pochha :D

... The freshness of morning, and plans for the day.

... A haha heehee conversation with Ma and Dad. On the phone. Where Ma makes me proud yet again, for finding something she loves doing. And it does not involve making younger people awkward on Facebook. Instead she has found something unbelievably constructive and noble. My rockstar Ma!

... My dad waxing eloquent to R about the wonders of his newly acquired e-cigarette. And how R should also get one. The expression and desperate attempt to change topics on this side of the phone was awesomely hilarious! I belong to a family where people don't smoke or even talk about it, in front of elders. And everyone has always respected that all these years. But with R, dad is a different man. And even more adorable!

And the peace and quiet and a complete lack of urgency that makes weekends so special.

On an aside, we seem to have found the perfect way to save - barter system is back in style. So now we spend money on each other. Speaker for clothes, clothes for speaker sort of thing. Not that we end up saving any more than we used to. But at least there is no guilt! Try it. It is good for the holiday spirit!

On to my shopping weekend.

Where everybody knows my name

Coming to Bombay and meeting with the mad bunch I used to work with once upon a time in history, makes me realise just one thing. Every single time. That I haven't lost my touch yet :-)

This is a bunch that I belong with, the bunch that understands my jokes and whose jokes I understand. And more importantly, the bunch that actually has jokes to crack. My desperate need to be in Bombay every few months stems out of the fact that in Bangalore, a city with 5,840,155 (Google search result) people, there is just ONE person I am in sync with. And while that one person is all that is really going to matter in the big picture, it still makes me doubt my sensibilities every few months. But Bombay gives me a strange kind of reassurance that being a square peg in a round hole and not exactly being supremely liked for it, is not such a bad thing after all. If anything, it comes from a strange kind of complex and fortunately not in my head. The kind that I will never either get nor be able to explain. Bombay is the city where everyone fits. Seamlessly.

And then there is Maaaaaaaa, the shopping, the food, Daddy and his smug grins, and the baby sister and her random arguments. Am I just loving it? You bet I am!

Am I missing my Bangalore, my orange walls, the mindblowing weather, and my goofy husband, already? YOU BET I AM!

So here I was. Giving my Dad some investment gyaan. He asked for it. (My dad, I tell you! He will take any gyaan from anyone. If only I had inherited that instead of the temper.) And he wanted it immediately. (Well. It runs in the family. We want everything immediately.)

And I couldn't help wondering. When did this role reversal happen? Just because I grew up, started earning my own pocket money, and got married, do I have to stop being the fussy, stupid kid I have been to my parents all my life? I am not sure if they liked me for it, but I loved them for it!

Man. I want to go see them. IMMEDIATELY. I will go sit and cry now.

Stupid life.

Edited to add - And on that note, Bombayyyy HERE I COME! Two weeks, and off I go!

Out of the closet

The blabbermouth that I am, I have mentioned this blog at least 200 million times while talking to Dad. And the smartie that he is, he pretended he did not notice. I realised only yesterday that my father actually reads this blog. Where do I hide now?!?

My Dear Daddy,

If you are reading this, I have to tell you. I get the habit of forming strong opinions from you. The temper too. And the political incorrectness. Please don't kill me for some of the things you will read here, it is the living proof of our hereditary I-am-angry-and-I-am-going-to-tell-you-why trait that your grandchildren will grow up to read. We're famous, Dad! ;) My disclaimer to you is always going to read "I can explain everything! I learned all of it from you :D" AND I LOVE YOU!

Lots and lots of love,
Me

P.S.# 1 If I were a Christian, even my epitaph would have read "I can explain everything".

P.S.# 2 The hills are calling, I will catch you on the other side of Yercaud. I am going this weekend. FINALLY!

90's Nostalgia

This morning the first thing I did when I reached work was call someone. And the caller tune I heard was this...


And it made me nostalgic. My favourite memory of this song is not the video reruns on MTV and Channel V. My favourite memory is a game my little sis and I used to play every time we were left alone in the car or in the house and every time there was a power cut. Each one of us used to sing one syllable at a time Tere. Bin. Jeena. Nahiiiiiiiiiiin. O. Meri. Jaane. Wafaa. Zindagi. Bhar. Saath. Rehkar. Mujhe. Hona. Nahiin. Hai. Judaa. And we used to fight over who gets all the better words. We were lousy bachchas, true! (Must remind myself to play this with R when I get home today. Sometimes he believes in indoor sports too :P)

On that note, my baby sister is coming to town soon. I can't wait! :-)

On parents..

I was reading her and something about her latest post left me with a big gaping void in my heart. Yesterday I broke down just thinking of my parents. I was born in the first year of my parents' marriage - they don't know a life without me. Then my sister happened. And the last many many years of our lives together have been a whirlwind of our arguments and generation gap, and understanding. And loving. And the house has always been full of arguments, love, laughter.

And now they are alone - my parents. In a world that's not their comfort zone. In Bombay. Ma doesn't have family and friends like she did in Patna, Dad doesn't sail anymore. And Bombay is where home is for them right now. To think that at 26, I consciously don't want to do things that my Dad is happily doing at 55. Commuting to work by local trains, willing to travel to strange port cities. Mom is alone. She hasn't known a day without dealing with our teenage angst, our love for movies, our tailoring disasters, our love for good food. She has none of that now to keep her busy. I was a difficult child. I don't know how Ma and Dad have survived my failures, my inability to deal with things, my angst, my unfounded rebellion. Why is that when most of my "issues" have been resolved, I am happily living in a city that's far away from them, and I comfort myself thinking that a few phone calls a day suffices when it comes to caring for them. Their love was unconditional. They never asked us to stick around with them and take care of them. In fact they happily gave me away to R for him to deal with me :-) But shouldn't I? Shouldn't I BE with them without caring two hoots about the restrictions that come with living with parents? Shouldn't I at least want to do it?

It's funny. My dad and I have always had different perspectives on things. He and I don't talk like Ma and I do. I know there had been a time when he would have been happier if I did something bigger with my life - like get another degree, get the one I was going to get, on time. Do things in a slightly more meticulous manner. But he is proud of how I eventually turned out - he sees a bit of himself in me. I see a bit of him in me. And when I think of him and the Stud Guru he has always been (He doesn't cry. He CAN'T. He gets angry and smokes an entire packet of cigarettes in the balcony :D), my heart melts. My dad. My mom... My writing is getting incomprehensible now.. I don't what I want to write about them. I just know I miss them so much right now that it hurts.

I am amazed at the kind of tolerance that generation has. How they continue to deal with life as it is and stay happy in the thick of things. How neighbours and relatives are always welcome. How they never hold grudges. Such people are meant to have all that they want from life, including children and laughter and noise all the time. Not just after months of preparing and planning for holidays - our holidays or their visits.

Imagining my parents alone in a city like Bombay hurts me. Here I am. Discontent at Mondays/ not going to Naturals for an ice cream and other such trivial matters. And then there are parents. Who have survived us and more. It is perspective, no doubt. One that makes me a tad bit happier about the place in the world that I have found for myself. But it hurts nevertheless. I keep convincing myself that since their honeymoon was cut short thanks to a stubborn daughter who made her way into the world too soon (me, who else!), maybe this is time for them to make up for the years in between they lost trying to be parents when they should have really been just friends.. Just husband and wife (although that's not the way they look at things, or so says my Mom every time she throws a "Get me a grandchild" tantrum that only I am privy to. LOL!). I mean they did go on a dinner date last night too, only they choose to call it dinner no date :-) But is that my excuse for not being able to do more than sending a bouquet of flowers on Mothers/ Fathers Day and anniversaries and birthdays? There has to be something more I can do.

I miss them. Someone get me my ma and daddy here. RIGHT NOW.

Again...

On a drunken night out with colleagues...

Mom calls every half hour and asks, "beta ghar kab tak aa jaogi?"
Husband calls once and says, "aaram se aao, have a couple of bottles more. No rush!"

When you finally do get home, in front of Dad you behave more sober than you do even when you really are sober. With the husband you behave more drunk than you really are just to watch the fun. And of course, other pleasures like pick up and some more "happiness" when you finally get home.

Damn! I should have got married the day I was born :D

MAMMA KE PAAS JAANA HAI! :((

Yesterday, on my first of the gazillion daily routine phone calls to Ma (yes yes, I speak to her everyday. A million times a day. It's still not enough.), I noticed she had a new caller tune. I was surprised. Don't get me wrong, my parents are quite the cell phone freaks - dad with his caller tunes and Ma with her gaana waala ring tone and SMS skills :D

But surprised I was, because Ma never has a caller tune, and to think it was from a new movie too! Behti Hawa Sa from 3 Idiots. I first laughed it off as a mistake, but when she took the call, I asked. She says - tumhaari yaad mein lagaaye hain beta.

My crazy awesome Ma... How can I not love her? It made my day, to say the least. Like they say, heere ki pehchaan johri ko hi hoti hai :P This one's for my Mamma - I miss her. MAMMA KE PAAS JAANA HAI!! :((

P.S. - Let's forget for a while that it's my "Behti Hawa" traits that have driven Ma crazy for most part of our respective lives :D

Unexpected Vacation

I am on vacation. YAYYYY! Starting off at the new place on 2nd March. So I have a 15 day break before that. And I haven't done ANYTHING ALL DAY! What's funny is this feels no different from last week/ month/ 5 months when I was "meaningfully occupied" :P

Anyway so I am on a 15 day vacation and lots of good things are coming my way. Most important of all, I am off on a 4 day sabbatical (I hate this word.) from all responsibilities. I am off to Bombay, Yayayayyy!!! It's been a while since I spent time with my parents ONLY as their daughter (read - the Brat they have known most of their lives, they are a little surprised with my "non-bratness" in the last few months and I need to put them at ease :P). So I am going to give them a surprise visit, primarily because I need it.

R's parents coming to Bangalore after that, and I will not be caught dead without glass bangles for a good 10 days :D That said, I am glad that this year Holi will be everything it's supposed to be - maalpua, dahi wada, kathal ki sabji. And family :)

I don't have a personal computer right now and I can't seem to write anything on a shared laptop. I am planning to buy a netbook but the Manis don't buy or let buy without extensive research, hence the Mishra-Manis are waiting for the extensive research to be over so that they don't buy a netbook that's only "a cute small white/pink/blue thing and has wi-fi". :P

So I am off on a nice little vacation. Nobody is driving me crazy, so I don't have any urgency to rant on the blog, or even a personal machine to blog on.

See you on the other side! Leaving with the song of the moment...

The house is overflowing for most part. The festivities have begun. I can't even begin to explain what I am feeling right now. What all I am feeling right now. Enthusiasm, anxiety, excitement, nervousness, vanity, affection, happiness, blues (it's not easy to leave behind absolute lack of responsibity and the habit of coming back home to ma, dad, and piping hot readymade food every night)... To name a few.

Every Friday I tell myself, 2 days and then back to same old kaam dhandha. This Friday I am telling myself - two more days and wow I am going to be married. And things will be anything but "same old".

When I woke up to hungama at home this morning, I thought to myself that it's funny all of this really began on a rather quiet Sunday afternoon with my folks and I spending quality time together... The details of which are know only to Ze Famille.

I am pretty much done with the basic logistics - clothes, packing, visits to the parlour. The rest has been taken care of by people around me. And yet I feel there is something amiss. Is this what they call cold feet?

Watch this space. I will be back. After I break on through to the other side, due apologies Mr Morrisson :)

Edited to add - I just got an sms. All the "leaving behind lack of responsibility" is so going to be worth it. That, I know. It's been quite a ride, really. A very enjoyable one. My fears have just been replaced by even more hope. For a life I always imagined for myself. Wish me luck! :)

It’s a lazy afternoon in Patna, the air has a lazy flavour that’s hard to miss. Coming from a nauseatingly crowded city like Bombay, Patna’s laidback pace of life is addictive to the point of making u want to stay back here forever, that is if you choose to ignore some claustrophobic conversations and opinions. All that withstanding, this is home. This is where I always want to come back. To a sense of belonging and familiarity that's hard to find anywhere else that I have ever lived.

Coming here is like rewinding to the past, my childhood and adolescence. Every road here has a tale to tell. A story that was mine many years ago. The stationery waala knows me, and still gifts me a magazine when I visit his shop to pick up random nothings every vacation. Gazing through the glass doors of the balcony in my parents' room or the extended window sill of a room that was once mine, I get reminded of evenings I spent in introspection, wondering about life, love, and relationships. I think it was innocence that made creativity so simple back then, and simple inspirations drawn from the much anticipated first downpour or silken hues at sunset or even just plain rustling of gulmohar leaves just before a heavy rainfall. The earthy smell soothing the scorching earth a few days back took me back in time... To the decades gone by. Back to the years when I was growing up, finding myself, trying to fit myself into the image I wanted too see when I looked into the mirror. As well as the image people wanted to see. The many photo albums from yesteryears that speak of innocence. Of childhood. Of growing up. Of learning to be myself :) It's funny how in spite of everyone around me right now, I have sudden urges to have Someone here to share it all with. Word by word, "emotion by emotion".

I had moved far away from simplicity and familiarity to noise, strangers, unfamiliarity... But coming back here makes me a little more whole than what I am when I am away from here. Sometimes, very literally ;)

At home here in Patna, no friend is too far and no relation too old to be revived, you are never too far to be forgotten. All around, I see familiar faces that I have grown up with, grown up looking upto. I know I belong here, and that I will never fade into the oblivion of anonymity. Such is the umbilical cord that ties me to this place.

And then there is food... The good ol' litti chokha, the baigani-bari ka sabji, the bel ka sharbat. Everyone tells me that I can switch back to the diet tomorrow - the one that never comes :) There is pampering, there is family. There is absolute undivided attention of people right from my naani's generation to my tiny nieces straight out of Sanjay Gandhi Jaivik Udyaan. LOL!

Of all things nice and beautiful, most cherished are the people who are central to the bank of memories I carry - my extended khandaan - the mousis, mamis, bhaiyas, bhabhis. Without them, life wouldn’t have been this fervent and eventful in probably all possible ways - they are a package, with their undying love for a good laugh, those quirks, and strange yet familiar and hence adorable ways in love, hate, and gossip! I love them. Every one of them.

Often I wish I would stay here forever - the feeling does not last forever. Because independent thinking is what I also crave apart from familiarity. This is what it means to have the best of both worlds :)

P.S. - "See you on the other side" from a post from a few days back doesn't seem to be working. There are so many overwhelming emotions that I may end up writing every hour :)