Wednesday, March 7, 2012


I am sick, disgusted, PMS-sy, down, and out. I have two job offers in hand, and with that, the paperwork limbo starts all over again. If I were in India right now, I'd be celebrating, dunking bottles of scotch, maybe even thandai, all set for holi and the new job. You know when someone asks you your solution to a communication challenge in a real life workplace scenario, and your answer makes them go "Oooo we could actually try that!", it is time to celebrate. Not fucking come home, and read websites after websites to figure out where you stand in the whole work permit scene. This fucking limbo alone is enough for me to return home sooner than later. I am a control freak, I like my life in order. And I need to know that at any point in time, any disorder is of my making and my unmaking. I cannot stand standing in the wings, waiting for things to unfold. I can choose to be happy even right now, because I truly, strongly believe that happiness is a matter of decision. But if only I wasn't so fucking PMS-sy. An expat's life entails a lot of waiting. And often, giving up control of circumstances. I am not sure right now, if I am ready for that kind of mature, happy way of dealing with change and things happening and still not quite.

I haven't blogged in a while, because I honestly don't know what to write about. Right now I don't fucking care about UP elections and broadband monopoly. I don't have access to Arnab Goswami, and just how much can I possibly write about stuff that I have already seen and spoken about a hundred times over? I am all about freedom to be. I am all about being a middle class Indian in India. And one day, I will go back. I will not say I miss the noise and panipuri and butter chicken, because that is the kind of NRI stff that always made me sick when I was back home. I have not celebrated holi the way it is supposed to be celebrated, in years. So I cannot get away with saying I miss home and northie holi. Hell I don't. What I do miss is, home delivery, the freedom of choice, the freedom to get up in the morning, look for a job, find one, and get going. I do NOT miss autos and the help who made my life so much easier. In fact I am glad that the helps here are expensive and hence way, way more efficient. I am glad I have to clean on a few days in the week because I still don't have a help who comes in everyday. I am glad there is more dignity of labour here and changing their schedule every other day is something the helps here don't quite appreciate.(And in cleaning up, I still have a semblance of control in my life. I know this doesn't making any sense.) But I miss having that choice.

I don't know what I am talking about. All I know is I want to be at home, feel at home. And nothing is doing that to me right now.

I came here for catharsis, and now I am crying. Maybe that's what I really need.


hAAthi said...

Geez girl, you sound like I did when I made the move. That bittersweet horrible limbo. But you MUST let it pass, and then it will be just so awesome, you'll wonder why you spent so many days sulking and being PMSy when you could have been loving your freedom. Go out, explore the city, read, eat in tiny cafes, take weekend getaways, watch movies. Do it all!

The Soul of Alec Smart said...

Oh, I am seeing this post three days too late. I am in a 100% agreement with Haathi. No denying that this waiting period drains the energy out of one. But it'll be over in a jiffy and let me tell you: You will miss this aimlessness, even though right now you can't believe you ever could. Seriously, explore the place like a tourist. Like you're about to leave the city in a week. Join a random class - language, dance, music, book club, anything. Meeting local people is one way to start feeling like you belong. I know I may be sounding sickeningly preachy, but these are just the few options I truly believe help me, when I'm stuck waiting for things to happen and feeling powerless.

And. Don't. Cry. Please. Let me know if you ever want to chat.

PS: Replying to your mail too

Tamanna said...

Thank you, girls! You are such lifesavers. I am fine now, got over the whole drama soon enough :) Lots of love!